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01.04.2015

Realizing that most of falling in love happens within us independently of anyone else is a big lesson. It goes beyond love of course.
It is both a positive revelation and a disappointment. Obviously it’s great to be under the falling in love influence, even if just on one’s own. On the other hand it proves that one’s other half belongs more to the domain of projection rather than to destiny. Seasonal high propensity to project renders things possible once another person finds itself to be within the field of the falling in love inflated sensation.

Of course I do exaggerate a bit. No more than a bit, that already makes it a valid subject for giving it a longer thought.

I need the falling in love feeling on a rather regular basis. It can be a real danger to an existing relationship because it is problematic to expect from one’s partner to respond to this sensation adequately. Of course when people meet and it clicks they go through, in their own ways, the falling in love thing together.
So no one asks these questions: what is happening, how come it happens, to one, and why now?

It is an early spring now. And there is something powerful about spring every time it happens. It casts its airy shadow on the extended daylight evenings. It is magic that renders butterflies awake in a stomach: with or without a reason. This feeling is a proof for the fact that our mind is smaller than the rest of us. That homo sapiens is more related to a butterfly than to a chair. Sensorial memory fails. Going through the experience multiple times (no more than once per year as long as spring happens once per year) does not make one immune to it or less perplexed. Each spring has something of remaining forever the one and only.

In fact the real falling in love happened to me almost always in autumn. The real meaning that another person was involved.  The self-generated falling in love happens most often early spring.  It does not end up being projected into the void. Brain searches for possible victims.  I guess that’s how maniacal brains feel on high. I cannot rule out a possibility that my brain is on a maniacal high and I’m just confusing it with falling in love feeling.  Anyhow maybe maniacal brains are only named maniacal while in fact they are going through self-inflicted falling in love feeling. 


So the brain searches for possible victims. It can be a new sort of tea, a friend (of the same sex while not being homosexual), a city, a smell, something. It feels totally sublime, like the brain and the body are about to burst into millions of electricized shiny flakes.

It’s sort of tricky to go through it while being in an established relationship because it is very unlikely that the partner is going through the same. So one ends up carrying this unexplainable shiny flakiness about to burst in proximity of its partner expecting some adequate response to that unbearable yet pleasant feeling without getting any.







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